Merging Your Clutter: How To Keep The Peace At Home
I spend a lot of time one-on-one with people in their most private spaces hearing their stories and handling their possessions. I’m like a hairstylist, if it took full days alone with me to give you a trim and blowout and you showed me your underwear drawer during the appointment.
There is a lot of overlap between therapists and KonMari ® Consultants - some start in therapy and open up a side hustle as a consultant, and some enjoy the interpersonal aspects of consulting so much they go back to school to become therapists.
It’s all fun and games until they move in their antique button collection.
While I’m not a therapist, I do work with many couples, both individually and as a team, during decluttering sessions. I recently wrote out some tips and guidelines for working as a collaborative unit for a whole-home decluttering project, and then immediately was asked by a fellow business owner what to do if your husband refuses to throw anything away. It seems spring cleaning is also the season of domestic spats, so I thought I’d recount the advice I have given in the last few weeks.
Even our Patron Saint of Decluttering, Marie Kondo, says we cannot declutter someone else’s belongings. I know. It would be easier and faster and they absolutely wouldn’t miss the stuff we want to throw away. Be that as it may, we do not toss anyone else’s stuff. Put yourself in their shoes - what if your partner thought all your black heels looked the same and was certain you wouldn’t miss the pair with the scuffed red bottoms? The horror.
We can’t know what each object means to our partner. Maybe that shirt with the hole brings back fond memories. Maybe the worn socks are actually the most comfortable. I have seen people keep a receipt so faded it’s illegible, but when I ask, it turns out it’s from the last meal they shared with a deceased parent. Don’t throw away other people’s stuff.
When decluttering a shared space, focus on the big picture. You both need to keep your goals in mind when making decisions. If you’re thinking there’s no harm in keeping all 7 meat thermometers because you personally don’t “own” much kitchen gear, but your partner has a plethora of kitchen joy crammed into the drawers all around you and the goal is to make everything fit comfortably, maybe release what you don’t use. Your mutual joy and attaining your ideal lifestyle is just as important as your personal joy from your things. Your partner should do the same in areas where you own most of the items. Make space for each other’s passions.
Trust your partner. In the same way you trust them in other areas of the relationship, trust that they are making the right decisions for their own possessions. Almost everyone does a smaller second edit down the line, when the items they swore they’d use are dusty all over again, so your concerns may eventually be addressed. If you see them donating something you feel strongly they should keep, you are allowed one gently-worded clarifying question, and then you drop it. Same goes for when they keep something you would rather they donate - calmly ask a question to better understand their decision if you must, but then retreat. Questioning each other’s every decision will confuse you both and dramatically slow down the process. You are each checking your own joy, not judging their choices.
Be kind. Decluttering can be an emotionally fraught process, especially if one or both of you come from a scarcity mindset, or have had a traumatic event or loss affect your life. You don’t have to understand every choice you witness, but you do have to accept that they are an adult with a reason for making that choice. You are in a shared space and have made a commitment to each other, and the rest is just stuff.
Lower your expectations. Both of you. There is generally one partner who is looking for clear countertops and less housework (this is the one who called me), and one who wants a library, or a she-shed for crafting, or a gamer’s paradise/indoor hunting lodge full of taxidermized trophies. The happy medium is what we are shooting for, because if either of you gets your way, one of you will be miserable. I am in favor of dedicated corners that spark joy. No toys are stored in my living room. I can’t relax with clutter. In return for this small favor, I avert my eyes when I walk past the playroom unless it’s vacuuming day. Some things just…are.
Function is what makes a home run smoothly, not aesthetics. Start with decluttering and if down the line you want to add in product or design choices to make it pop, go for it! You don’t have to make a thousand changes overnight, especially if one partner is reluctant. You might be thrilled if you are the clear countertops and pretty bins partner, but if you are the “my things bring me joy” partner, you will be filled with incandescent rage if you come home one day and nothing is where you left it. Working together at a moderate pace ensures everyone is on the same page, and your presence means you will know where your tools were rehomed when you need them. Teamwork is ideal here, so work at a pace that suits you both.
Look inward. Focus on your own belongings. If we are working in a space where almost nothing belongs to you, go get a snack. No need to hover and judge from the corner. You can be supportive or you can be elsewhere. Work on your dedicated corner of peace that includes only items that spark joy for you. Thou shalt not throw stones in a cluttered house.
It’s hard. I know first hand. We each envision different things for our homes, and sometimes those visions clash. Respecting the choices and priorities of your partner is important, and finding a compromise you can both work with is the goal, not criticizing your partner until they bend to your will, be it cluttered or clear. Be open with your concerns - in most cases clutter affects women more acutely than men, and we see it not as stuff but as a task. That’s not “a pile of clothes on the floor” it’s a chore we must complete before we can relax.
With a shared goal in mind, some patience, and an open mind, you can find a beautiful balance that truly sparks joy for you both.
